I Respond to the Google Searches that Missed the Mark

Like most dedicated bloggers, I have analytics set up for my blog. I like to see who’s stalking me (apparently, people actually are finding my blog by searching for “Heather Trese,” and I can’t decide if that’s totally awesome or a little creepy. Probably both.), how long you folks hang around on the site, which of my posts you think is most interesting (the long-standing winners are still, after months and months of awesome content, my kissing day blogfest entry and my post on female characters who kick butt.), and, most hilarious of all, which search terms you use to find my blog.

That last one always cracks me up. Sure, there are the normal ones – See Heather Write, writing advice, adverbs are evil (yes, really a search term used to find my blog!), SCBWI. There are the ones that are weird, but still make sense – teenagers vocabulary, how to write a murder scene, crippling fear of rejection, Jessica is funnier than Heather (You see that Jess? You’re funnier than me. YOU WIN AT LIFE.)

And then there are the ones that are just…weird. They make no sense at all, and I have no idea why those people would have ended up on my site from those searches. But I’d like to address those people now, since apparently they are in need of help and are, I suppose, ending up on my blog in search of it. Here goes.

Inappropriate Google Search Terms that May Bring You to Heather’s Blog (According to Google Analytics):

I’m in love with Severus Snape

It’s OK. So am I.

(There is another one I want to post SO BAD but it’s a spoiler for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and I just can’t bring myself to do it, because sadly there are people in the world who haven’t experienced the awesome. So I’m blaming you for keeping my blog readers from reading this cheesy and awesome line that apparently led someone to my blog.)

I’m a bad writer/So I’m a bad writer/I feel like a bad writer?/I want to write a journal but I’m not a good writer

So this search appears in my analytics…a lot. Are you trying to tell me something, Google? I think I’m getting a complex. (On a side note, if you really do think you’re a bad writer, but you want to start a journal or even a novel, my advice is: start it. You can only get better. The more you write, the better you’ll get. Write until you have little keyboard-shaped calluses on your fingers, then keep on writing. Eventually you’ll be mediocre, then good, then awesome, then you’ll be the next J.K. Rowling and maybe you can get together with the guy in my next search term. Just don’t unleash that wrath on the world. Please.)

Erotic Harry Potter

I don’t know who you are or what you’re doing here, or when the word “erotic” ever appeared on my blog aside from these two times, but I would really like you to drag your mouse to the upper left corner of your screen and back out of here. Now please. Weirdo.

Sexy language used by teenagers

OK, seriously? What kind of site does Google think I’m running here? You can follow Mr. Erotic Harry Potter right out the door. Kthxbai.

Writing a story about Heather

Oh, you’re writing a story about me, hm? And I see you were on the blog for…10 minutes? So you think you can get all of your background research done in 10 minutes, do you? Well, I don’t think 10 minutes on my blog will tell you that I have a silver Honda named Hannah, and I named it Hannah because I like alliteration. And it won’t tell you how many freckles I have, or the way it sounds when my laugh fills a whole room, or what my tears taste like. I’m a person!! TASTE MY TEARS! 

What are some of the weirdest search terms that have led people to your blog?